Day 03 – What I’ve done is who I am, but what I’ve done is not who I will be

Day 03 – Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Today is simpler than I thought it would be. They say sometimes you see something and you just know. Today I ‘just knew’; I have to forgive myself for all my bad deeds. This may not be very original, but it is what is.

I’m not talking about everything remotely ‘bad’ I’ve ever done in my life, that way I might be here all night. I’m talking about my deeds which I have allowed myself to suffer because of. The ones I let repeatedly hurt me. The ones I let control and dictate who I was for the best part of recent years.

Is it possible to regret the consequences of an action but not the action itself? Because if it is, that’s where I now stand. But it wasn’t always this way.

‘Shit happens’, right? And so it inevitably did. Action turned into consequence. Consequence turned into guilt. Guilt turned into remorse. Remorse turned into shame. Shame turned into resentment; Resentment of everything I had done. At that time, and for a long time after, I wrongly believed that what I had done was a reflection of everything I ever was, and everything I’d forever be. It is all that existed. It didn’t take long for the darkness to set in; the colours of my soul, tainted. It was simple; it was the moment I saw who I really was – someone who just brought pain, nothing more, nothing less.

Looking back, I try to understand my former self. A self which no doubt still exists within me, to some extent. Although it is repressed, it is done so willingly, under my fragile control. Folded into itself a million times over, squeezed into a thick wooden planked box, locked from every corner and thrown into the deep oceans of my soul. It’s still breathing but it lies dormant. Just how I like it. Awakened only by events which mirror the past, the past in which it was so fully alive; Blood-thirsty and hurtful.

Over time I’ve learnt that our definitions of what is right and wrong evolve. I do not blame myself anymore. I refuse.

What I’ve done is who I am, but what I’ve done is not who I will be.

 

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

 

Today is simpler than I thought it would be. They say that sometimes you see something and you just know. Today I ‘just knew’; I have to forgive myself for all my bad deeds. This may not be very original, but it is what is.

I’m not talking about everything remotely ‘bad’ I’ve ever done in my life, that way I might be here all night. I’m talking about my deeds which I have allowed myself to suffer because of. The ones I let repeatedly hurt me. The ones I let control and dictate who I was for the best part of recent years.

Is it possible to regret the consequences of an action but not the action itself? Because if it is, that’s where I now stand. But it wasn’t always this way.

‘Shit happens’, right? And so it inevitably did. Action turned into consequence. Consequence turned into guilt. Guilt turned into remorse. Remorse turned into shame. Shame turned into resentment; Resentment of everything I had done. At that time, and for a long time after, I wrongly believed that what I had done was a reflection of everything I ever was, and everything I’d forever be. It is all that exited. It didn’t take long for the darkness to set in; the colours of my soul, tainted. It was simple; it was the moment I saw who I really was – someone who just brought pain, nothing more, nothing less.

Looking back, I try to understand my former self.   A self which no doubt still exists within me, to some extent. Although it is repressed, it is done so willingly. Folded into itself a million times over, squeezed into a thick wooden planked box, locked from every corner and thrown into the deep oceans of my soul. It’s still breathing but it lies dormant, just how I like it. Awakened only by events which mirror the past, the past in which it was so fully alive; Blood-thirsty and hurtful.

Over time I’ve learnt that our definitions of what is right and wrong evolve. I do not blame myself anymore. I refuse.

What I’ve done is who I am, but what I’ve done is not who I will be.

 

 

 

 

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Day 03 – What I’ve done is who I am, but what I’ve done is not who I will be

  1. Sulthana says:

    “What I’ve done is who I am, but what I’ve done is not who I will be.”
    – love that, so beautifully expressed.

    Forgiving ourselves often takes a long time to even realise that we need to forgive ourselves. But making big mistakes is also the step that makes us realise that we are human, not perfection. Just human. Bound to make errors, ALLOWED in fact, as long as we learn from it, forgive and seek forgiveness and move on.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s