Day 03 – Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Today is simpler than I thought it would be. They say sometimes you see something and you just know. Today I ‘just knew’; I have to forgive myself for all my bad deeds. This may not be very original, but it is what is.
I’m not talking about everything remotely ‘bad’ I’ve ever done in my life, that way I might be here all night. I’m talking about my deeds which I have allowed myself to suffer because of. The ones I let repeatedly hurt me. The ones I let control and dictate who I was for the best part of recent years.
Is it possible to regret the consequences of an action but not the action itself? Because if it is, that’s where I now stand. But it wasn’t always this way.
‘Shit happens’, right? And so it inevitably did. Action turned into consequence. Consequence turned into guilt. Guilt turned into remorse. Remorse turned into shame. Shame turned into resentment; Resentment of everything I had done. At that time, and for a long time after, I wrongly believed that what I had done was a reflection of everything I ever was, and everything I’d forever be. It is all that existed. It didn’t take long for the darkness to set in; the colours of my soul, tainted. It was simple; it was the moment I saw who I really was – someone who just brought pain, nothing more, nothing less.
Looking back, I try to understand my former self. A self which no doubt still exists within me, to some extent. Although it is repressed, it is done so willingly, under my fragile control. Folded into itself a million times over, squeezed into a thick wooden planked box, locked from every corner and thrown into the deep oceans of my soul. It’s still breathing but it lies dormant. Just how I like it. Awakened only by events which mirror the past, the past in which it was so fully alive; Blood-thirsty and hurtful.
Over time I’ve learnt that our definitions of what is right and wrong evolve. I do not blame myself anymore. I refuse.
What I’ve done is who I am, but what I’ve done is not who I will be.