Day 04 – Something you have to forgive someone for.
I don’t think there is a specific answer to this tonight. I’ve only ever needed to forgive those closest to me, the ones who know me for who I am flaws and all. It’s those who are closest to me that I let in, fully and completely, no facade.
To let someone in and emulate into your truest form around them. To show them the pure and simple reflection of your soul; each and every colour. To undress and place yourself in their hands, it’s a fragile process. It needs to be done carefully. It should really come with those big red stickers, ‘handle with care’. But the fact is it doesn’t, and I don’t think people would even really care if it did. Intentionally or unintentionally, they close their fist and crush you. Your pieces shatter in their hands, but somehow your shards don’t cut them, they only cut you. So you bleed and yet no matter how much, somehow you can’t bleed dry; it just doesn’t seem to stop flowing.
It hurts when people close to you do wrong by you. But the hurt passes, you get over it eventually. However it’s a whole different ball game when those who do wrong by you are those who are more than close to you; when it’s those who you share your life with, your inner thoughts, your deepest desires, your anxieties and fears with. It’s different because these people are the ones who promised to protect you. The ones who promised they would always be there for you. They weren’t supposed to crush you; they weren’t supposed to let you down. You believed them, shame on you.
Whether it’s all the broken promises, or the lies and mind games which tried to break me. Whether it’s the coke down the back of my dress or the emotional blackmail. Whether its the deafening silence which didn’t try and save me or the constant screaming which made me want to sleep forever. I forgive each of them.
It’s not just about forgiveness though, there’s more to it. This time I need to both forgive and forget. If I don’t forget I will forever hold it against them, maybe not on the surface but it will definitely influence my actions and feelings in some form. If I don’t forget, things will just become bittersweet. If I don’t forget it means I will still somewhere hold a grudge, I won’t forgive, not truly.
And if I can’t forgive others, how in the world do I expect them to return the gesture?
After all, I have done much which yet needs to be forgiven.