Day 09 – Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
There are one or two people who I could talk about today who have just drifted, possibly another who is in the process of doing the same. I can’t pick so I guess I will just try and encompass the underlying emotion behind each story.
Sometime we become so close to someone that we can’t imagine our worlds without them. Exchanging innermost hopes and fears, discussing dreams and battling each other’s insecurities; it seems like nothing will ever be able to change that. This person is the thread which keeps our tapestry together; the thread which if missing would make the whole thing fall apart.
Life happens and that thread eventually goes missing. The tapestry actually doesn’t fall apart, but that doesn’t mean you don’t struggle to stop it from doing so as the thread which is ‘you’ begins to fray. You relied on the other thread to help you bear the brunt of life’s misgivings; now it’s gone and you lie there alone weaved inextricably through that tapestry called life, all over the place and beginning to break.
So you get used to not having them around. If you’re lucky they leave completely, gone and nowhere to be found. If you’re unlucky you bump into them from time to time, compelled to share a few words and exchange a laugh or two. But don’t be fooled, it’s not the same; if it takes two to tango it definitely takes two to build up a pretence. They might have ‘not gone anywhere’ but the truth is you don’t connect anymore, not like you used to; they might as well have gone half way around the world, it might just have been easier.
Why is it such a big deal? I mean after all people do come and go right? If you’re reading this and you don’t get why it’s such a big deal then please don’t read any further.
In life when I do something I like to think that I put all my energy into it and do it properly. It’s just who I am. This doesn’t change when I let people in; I show them all of me. It takes quite a while to unlock each corner and draw down each barrier (they do exist in abundance after all). But once it’s done it’s done; each wall is broken down and every bolt is unfastened. I stand there in my very essence; each facet undressed, naked. Do with me what you will.
Naturally this is terrifying. Why? Because of the thought of being pushed away after you have shown exactly who you are and everything you can be, to someone who at the time really matters. It is indeed scary, for the majority of us humans anyway. Although I’ve come to realise there are some people who just don’t get it; they are the ones who either don’t know how be completely transparent and let someone in fully, or they are just stone cold robots, unable to feel or unable to desire adequately.
Now it’s different though, I don’t think I’m scared anymore. Being pushed away several times over after leaving yourself naively open has a way of leaving its skid marks on you.
I think I’ve just got to the point where I’m beyond scared or cautious; I simply don’t wish to let anyone in anymore. I know this is a result of past hurts and let downs ground together with my own (over)sensitivity. I know I wasn’t made this way and I also know that I don’t wish to be this way. I don’t want to be numb, I don’t want to shut myself out and I don’t want to be alive without truly living. But I’m not blaming anybody else for how it is; it is my fault and my fault only.
People always leave. Sometimes I push them away, sometimes they escape through the closest exit and sometimes they drift.
I guess a part of me leaves with them too.