Day 09 – ‘People always leave’

Day 09 – Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

There are one or two people who I could talk about today who have just drifted, possibly another who is in the process of doing the same. I can’t pick so I guess I will just try and encompass the underlying emotion behind each story.

~

Sometime we become so close to someone that we can’t imagine our worlds without them. Exchanging innermost hopes and fears, discussing dreams and battling each other’s insecurities; it seems like nothing will ever be able to change that. This person is the thread which keeps our tapestry together; the thread which if missing would make the whole thing fall apart.

Life happens and that thread eventually goes missing. The tapestry actually doesn’t fall apart, but that doesn’t mean you don’t struggle to stop it from doing so as the thread which is ‘you’ begins to fray. You relied on the other thread to help you bear the brunt of life’s misgivings; now it’s gone and you lie there alone weaved inextricably through that tapestry called life, all over the place and beginning to break.

So you get used to not having them around. If you’re lucky they leave completely, gone and nowhere to be found. If you’re unlucky you bump into them from time to time, compelled to share a few words and exchange a laugh or two. But don’t be fooled, it’s not the same; if it takes two to tango it definitely takes two to build up a pretence. They might have ‘not gone anywhere’ but the truth is you don’t connect anymore, not like you used to; they might as well have gone half way around the world, it might just have been easier.

Why is it such a big deal? I mean after all people do come and go right? If you’re reading this and you don’t get why it’s such a big deal then please don’t read any further.

In life when I do something I like to think that I put all my energy into it and do it properly. It’s just who I am. This doesn’t change when I let people in; I show them all of me. It takes quite a while to unlock each corner and draw down each barrier (they do exist in abundance after all). But once it’s done it’s done; each wall is broken down and every bolt is unfastened. I stand there in my very essence; each facet undressed, naked. Do with me what you will.

Naturally this is terrifying. Why? Because of the thought of being pushed away after you have shown exactly who you are and everything you can be, to someone who at the time really matters. It is indeed scary, for the majority of us humans anyway. Although I’ve come to realise there are some people who just don’t get it; they are the ones who either don’t know how be completely transparent and let someone in fully, or they are just stone cold robots, unable to feel or unable to desire adequately.

Now it’s different though, I don’t think I’m scared anymore. Being pushed away several times over after leaving yourself naively open has a way of leaving its skid marks on you.

I think I’ve just got to the point where I’m beyond scared or cautious; I simply don’t wish to let anyone in anymore. I know this is a result of past hurts and let downs ground together with my own (over)sensitivity. I know I wasn’t made this way and I also know that I don’t wish to be this way. I don’t want to be numb, I don’t want to shut myself out and I don’t want to be alive without truly living. But I’m not blaming anybody else for how it is; it is my fault and my fault only.

People always leave. Sometimes I push them away, sometimes they escape through the closest exit and sometimes they drift.

Regardless; People.Always.Leave.

I guess a part of me leaves with them too.

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Day 08 – Enough is enough. Im done.

Day 08 – Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

There is actually no one who comes to mind automatically. Thinking hard about this though, I can probably list a couple of people who have treated me like shit. But then it depends on what you define as ‘shit’, because the more I think about it the more names I can add to my list.

Some people have done it intentionally; maybe their own insecurities underlay their actions, maybe it was just a reflection of their shit-selves. I don’t know, and I guess now I actually don’t care. The more time you stay hung up on what people did or didn’t do, the longer you allow them to be victorious. There’s no point dwelling on it; they wronged you on purpose hence they are not even worth your thoughts. Forget about them. They don’t deserve to win.

Some people don’t want to treat you like shit but end up doing so as an indirect result of their actions. Maybe they only thought of themselves; they were selfish. Or maybe they just didn’t realise how their decisions would affect you and now they deserve the benefit of the doubt. We all make mistakes right?

However the people who I’m thinking about fall into the following group. These are the people whose nasty side is just as bold as their sweet side. Initially, they suck you in with their gentle persona, so caring, so tender. You begin building up a picture of them, almost as if you see light radiating from them. Aren’t they so pure and good-hearted?! Ummm NO! It doesn’t take long for your fabricated version of them to become tainted. It happens slowly, creeping like old age. Something they do hurts you. You let it pass. Something they say upsets you. You let it pass. It carries on (depending on how high your patience threshold is) until you finally confront them. They apologise, ‘It won’t happen again’. You put their actions down to human nature; no one is perfect, we’re all flawed. And just like magic, your stern words seemed to have done the trick; the sweet side reappears. However, so does predictability; the lets-not-consider-how-this-affects-you actions start up again. They are aware their actions hurt you, you’ve made it clear yet they still carry on. It’s almost as if they get a kick out of making you feel shit. Maybe it’s about power; they have the power to make you feel so down, yet they also have the power to make you feel just as high.

No. No one is perfect, but that is not a good enough reason to justify people continuously mistreating you. You can’t keep giving people the benefit of the doubt, especially when they keep hurting you. Maybe it’s how they are programmed to function; but this supposition doesn’t right the wrongs, nor does it heal the hurt.

~

Say sorry all you want. Chances aren’t infinite. Sometimes enough is enough.

I’m done.

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Day 07 – Footprints

Day 07 – Someone who has made your life worth living for.

I guess in some way everyone you care about or everyone that is making some sort of active difference in your life is worth living for. Some people would approach today’s topic as ‘Ahh if this person wasn’t here I don’t know how I’d live’ etc. Sadly (or not, depending how you look at it) I don’t have anyone that I can say that about. I live life because life itself is worth living. Full stop.

However, I feel I must add a foot note here; I didn’t always feel this way, in fact I felt quite the opposite. But one gloomy day a stranger and I befriended each other, and since then I haven’t been who I used to be. Ok, this is starting to sound like a narration to some cheesy feel-good find-yourself chick flick, but I am deeply serious, that’s exactly how it went down.

At times I believe that some things were just meant to be. And I do believe this was one of them. At a time where I was a little more than lost, someone came into my life and showed me that despite all its misgivings, life is truly beautiful. It wasn’t a conventional friendship. I don’t suppose it ever could be. But there we were, two complete strangers who over a short while changed our whole outlook on life, our perspectives, morals and priorities. I began to see that not everything is black and white, not everything needs a certain label or needs to fit into a certain place in life. Some things just are.

Now, that friendship is reduced to bittersweet nods of acknowledgement across a crowded street, maybe even the rare smile. If we made such a big difference to each other then why is it the way it is? Because sometimes two people, for reasons which only they know, should stay away from each other.  ‘The bigger picture’ is a prettier one for all concerned if that’s the way it stays. Sometimes you have to sacrifice your own wants and needs for the sake of others. It is what it is.

‘People always leave’ right? True. But sometimes they leave behind something much greater than themselves. They leave a mark on your heart and a speck of magic in your soul. And there you are, forever changed; amongst all the madness you call life.

~

You saw right through me, saw me for exactly who I was. You killed the biggest part of my self-destructiveness. You showed me that it’s ok to be how I am and be who I am. You taught me that ‘the beauty is in the flaws’.

What you did for me will never be forgotten, no matter where you are.

You left your footprints on my soul, in a place where even the highest tide could never wash them away.

And for that, I will always thank you.

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Day 06 – Dark place, stay away

Day 06 – Something you hope you never have to do.

There are near enough a million things I could write in response to this. I think there are a million things anybody could write. There are a lot of things we hope we never have to do; witness the death of our most loved ones, give up on our dreams, bring up our children in a war zone, become so apathetic that we forget how to feel or lie there helpless as we get beaten black and blue by the man we ‘love’.

The reality is however that these are things which people have and do live through. Every single day. There is someone out there right now, right at this moment in time that is living through all the horrible things I wish I will never have to live through. It’s real for them. It’s happening. And knowing this tells me that it could just as easily be something that I could have to endure someday too.

Thinking about it is actually quite frightening; it’s reminds me of how truly evil this world can be, how sinister its people can be and how easily we can fall victim to the overbearing ugliness of reality. Most importantly though, it reminds me not to get too caught up in life; with the snap of a finger, everything in this life as I know it could change.

Note to self: be appreciative and be glad, it’s ok to be happy; but never overlook your blessings, never be ungrateful, never take life for granted.

Some things, however painful, are a part of life. Some things, the majority of us can’t escape; they are inevitable. They will happen, regardless of whether we want them to or not.

I just hope that I never have to go to that dark place where I don’t want to have to tolerate it anymore. That soul sucking, strength stealing place. The place where you hold your hands up and get ready to walk away from your reality, from each of the blessings you become too blind to see anymore.

I hope, that no matter how hard things might get, I never feel the need to truly give up.

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Day 05 – Saving you saved me

Day 05 – Something you hope to do in your life.

I put off writing this post yesterday; I wasn’t filled with my usual hope and enthusiasm for life. Not much has changed since then but I feel the need to write tonight. Maybe it will help.

Hope. I like that word; it allows me to take myself out of context. Saying it consciously is like taking the fuzziness away when I squint my constantly deteriorating eyes; it permits me to look further ahead in this dark tunnel of my mind in search of a of light. Even if its jut a flicker.

I hope to save someone someday, change their life for the better.

Maybe that way I can feel like a better person, a person who is worthy of this life they have been given.

Maybe it might save me too.

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Day 04 – Forgive, but don’t forget to forget

Day 04 – Something you have to forgive someone for.

I don’t think there is a specific answer to this tonight. I’ve only ever needed to forgive those closest to me, the ones who know me for who I am flaws and all. It’s those who are closest to me that I let in, fully and completely, no facade.

To let someone in and emulate into your truest form around them. To show them the pure and simple reflection of your soul; each and every colour. To undress and place yourself in their hands, it’s a fragile process. It needs to be done carefully. It should really come with those big red stickers, ‘handle with care’. But the fact is it doesn’t, and I don’t think people would even really care if it did. Intentionally or unintentionally, they close their fist and crush you. Your pieces shatter in their hands, but somehow your shards don’t cut them, they only cut you. So you bleed and yet no matter how much, somehow you can’t bleed dry; it just doesn’t seem to stop flowing.

It hurts when people close to you do wrong by you. But the hurt passes, you get over it eventually. However it’s a whole different ball game when those who do wrong by you are those who are more than close to you; when it’s those who you share your life with, your inner thoughts, your deepest desires, your anxieties and fears with. It’s different because these people are the ones who promised to protect you. The ones who promised they would always be there for you. They weren’t supposed to crush you; they weren’t supposed to let you down. You believed them, shame on you.

Whether it’s all the broken promises, or the lies and mind games which tried to break me. Whether it’s the coke down the back of my dress or the emotional blackmail. Whether its the deafening silence which didn’t try and save me or the constant screaming which made me want to sleep forever. I forgive each of them.

It’s not just about forgiveness though, there’s more to it. This time I need to both forgive and forget. If I don’t forget I will forever hold it against them, maybe not on the surface but it will definitely influence my actions and feelings in some form. If I don’t forget, things will just become bittersweet. If I don’t forget it means I will still somewhere hold a grudge, I won’t forgive, not truly.

And if I can’t forgive others, how in the world do I expect them to return the gesture?

After all, I have done much which yet needs to be forgiven.

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Day 03 – What I’ve done is who I am, but what I’ve done is not who I will be

Day 03 – Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Today is simpler than I thought it would be. They say sometimes you see something and you just know. Today I ‘just knew’; I have to forgive myself for all my bad deeds. This may not be very original, but it is what is.

I’m not talking about everything remotely ‘bad’ I’ve ever done in my life, that way I might be here all night. I’m talking about my deeds which I have allowed myself to suffer because of. The ones I let repeatedly hurt me. The ones I let control and dictate who I was for the best part of recent years.

Is it possible to regret the consequences of an action but not the action itself? Because if it is, that’s where I now stand. But it wasn’t always this way.

‘Shit happens’, right? And so it inevitably did. Action turned into consequence. Consequence turned into guilt. Guilt turned into remorse. Remorse turned into shame. Shame turned into resentment; Resentment of everything I had done. At that time, and for a long time after, I wrongly believed that what I had done was a reflection of everything I ever was, and everything I’d forever be. It is all that existed. It didn’t take long for the darkness to set in; the colours of my soul, tainted. It was simple; it was the moment I saw who I really was – someone who just brought pain, nothing more, nothing less.

Looking back, I try to understand my former self. A self which no doubt still exists within me, to some extent. Although it is repressed, it is done so willingly, under my fragile control. Folded into itself a million times over, squeezed into a thick wooden planked box, locked from every corner and thrown into the deep oceans of my soul. It’s still breathing but it lies dormant. Just how I like it. Awakened only by events which mirror the past, the past in which it was so fully alive; Blood-thirsty and hurtful.

Over time I’ve learnt that our definitions of what is right and wrong evolve. I do not blame myself anymore. I refuse.

What I’ve done is who I am, but what I’ve done is not who I will be.

 

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

 

Today is simpler than I thought it would be. They say that sometimes you see something and you just know. Today I ‘just knew’; I have to forgive myself for all my bad deeds. This may not be very original, but it is what is.

I’m not talking about everything remotely ‘bad’ I’ve ever done in my life, that way I might be here all night. I’m talking about my deeds which I have allowed myself to suffer because of. The ones I let repeatedly hurt me. The ones I let control and dictate who I was for the best part of recent years.

Is it possible to regret the consequences of an action but not the action itself? Because if it is, that’s where I now stand. But it wasn’t always this way.

‘Shit happens’, right? And so it inevitably did. Action turned into consequence. Consequence turned into guilt. Guilt turned into remorse. Remorse turned into shame. Shame turned into resentment; Resentment of everything I had done. At that time, and for a long time after, I wrongly believed that what I had done was a reflection of everything I ever was, and everything I’d forever be. It is all that exited. It didn’t take long for the darkness to set in; the colours of my soul, tainted. It was simple; it was the moment I saw who I really was – someone who just brought pain, nothing more, nothing less.

Looking back, I try to understand my former self.   A self which no doubt still exists within me, to some extent. Although it is repressed, it is done so willingly. Folded into itself a million times over, squeezed into a thick wooden planked box, locked from every corner and thrown into the deep oceans of my soul. It’s still breathing but it lies dormant, just how I like it. Awakened only by events which mirror the past, the past in which it was so fully alive; Blood-thirsty and hurtful.

Over time I’ve learnt that our definitions of what is right and wrong evolve. I do not blame myself anymore. I refuse.

What I’ve done is who I am, but what I’ve done is not who I will be.

 

 

 

 

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